To My Favorite Skate Boarder:

Dear Dude,

I've never told this to anyone really, but things being how they are, maybe its time...

I've never tried to kill myself.  

Once in my life, though, I tried to make myself go insane...

About 5 or 6 years ago, I don't remember exactly when, I ate an 1/8th of Mushrooms.  For the second night in a  row.  I was working this crappy job, and my Boss at the time made an investment in Mushrooms -- a recession proof stock, really.  I was doing a good job at work around that time and I would frequently get tipped in 1/8th's of Mushrooms.  Back then, I couldn't believe how lucky I was but looking back on it now, it was one of the most dangerous and self destructive periods of my life.

As I have mentioned before, my Mother and I had a ton of issues.  The biggest of which, which you may or may not have heard about before, was when she confessed to me that she had been lying to me my whole life about who my father was.  I did not know how to handle that information.  Any sense of who I was, or what I was supposed to do with my life was gone.  

I had dropped out of college.  I was broke.  I didn't trust anyone or anything.  I was trying to use the people around me to make myself feel better, to understand what the hell was going on around me but all that did was push people away.  That brought on this intense loneliness and depression that I didn't know how to deal with.  I was a hot fucking mess.  I often thought that I didn't fit in, or know how to live in the world that everyone else lived in. 

I thought I was going crazy.  I can still remember those feelings.  When I think about those days, my neck tenses up, my jaws clinch, I start to get nervous and sweaty.

Well, one night, 5 or 6 years ago, I came home from work with my second 1/8th of Mushrooms in as many nights.  I held that 1/8th of Mushrooms in my hand, and I decided that I was sick of being afraid to go crazy.  I was going to take matters into my own hands.  I had eaten an 1/8th the night before, and I knew how strong these things were, but I also knew that they weren't going to kill me -- I was too afraid to kill myself, but I was perfectly OK with making myself go crazy.

So I ate this entire bag of Mushrooms and let me tell you, Dude, it was one of the scariest fucking things I have ever lived through.

For about three hours there, I thought I had done it.  I vaguely remember sitting in front of a television, in my living room, all alone.  I looked outside and I didn't know if it was day or night.  It was rainging, but I didn't know what rain was.  I couldn't understand the languages that were coming out of the speakers on the television.  I was terrified.  I couldn't stop crying, and laughing, and feeling nothing, and crying, and laughing, and feeling nothing.

For three hours I was convinced I was in hell.  

Somehow, 5 hours in, I ended up at my Mom's house at 3 in the morning.  I woke her up, I told her what I had done, I told her that I had gone crazy and that I didn't know what was going on.  I scared her senseless.  We called my Godfather, and I called a friend, I told them both that I was crazy, and that I couldn't deal with reality anymore.  I may have told the friend that I planned to hurt myself, at that moment, it seemed like the only way out. This trip wasn't ending.

My Godfather and my friend calmed me down, Dude.  They walked me back into reality, and gave me some hope.  My Godfather told me to spend the night at my Mom's and that he would take me to the doctor in the morning, which we did.  

That night was one of the worst nights of my life. 

I am sharing this with you, Dude, because you need to understand that you are not alone in feeling the way that you feel.  I want you to know that there are other people that have gone through what you are going through.  I also want you to know this because I hope that you never, ever, ever, live through something like that. 

Never, ever, ever.

You have a strong, loving, amazing group of people around you.  They love you.  So much, they love you.  In time, you will come to see, how I did, that there is strength and hope in that love.  You need to understand that if you ever feel like doing something so hurtful to yourself, you have people around you that understand, and while we may not feel how you feel, we understand.  

We are here for you.  Please, please, please don't forget that.

I won't lie and say that everything was great and perfect the next day.  It wasn't.  For a long time, it wasn't.

5 or 6 years later, though, having lived through all I have lived.  I can say, that things are better.  It took a lot of hard work, and there was a lot of bullshit to deal with along the way, but things are better.  

I have the greatest friends a guy could ask for.  I create awesome works of art, with amazingly talented artists.    I am still broke, but thats ok, haha....More time, more effort...

As cheesy as it sounds, it gets better.

Much Luv, Dude,

Chuy