Still adjusting...

...to the new work schedule.

I just got home from the gym and I need a quick nap before work so another short post will have to do.

I must say that I am proud of myself for adjusting to the new work schedule and still hitting the gym.  I am still eating right, and everything is progressing as it should.

Next week, once I am a bit more settled, I hope to have more interesting things to say.

Today is just about keeping the routine going.

Friday post. Done. 

Better Late Than Never

Today was one of those days where everything got flipped in a second.  I was working on the post when I got word of a job that starts tomorrow.

I spent the rest of the day, before my current job, prepping for tomorrow.  A deal is a deal though, and I owe myself a post, so here it is.

Everything is going well.  The new job means I'll have to make some adjustments to the schedule, but I will press on.

Now I need to pass out.

Peace. 

Two Smiles

This smile, I don't remember...

Like you told yourself in the beginning... Do this right... Be honest...

Welcome back.

I believe that the way that you look on the outside, in some part, for some people, is directly proportional to the way you feel about your self on the  inside. If you are not a big fan of yourself, you are not going to give much importance to maintaining your physical well being.  If you don't really care FOR yourself, its very easy not to take care OF yourself.  I understand that obesity is a disease and I understand that I do not know nearly enough about that subject to speak on it.  The only proof that I can offer in support of my theory is that I know that the way that I look on the outside is directly proportional to the way that I feel on the inside.

Two Pictures

As you can see from the picture above and to the right, at one point in my life I was fairly thin (and quite the sharp dresser).  

I have never really liked that picture.  For one, I don't remember taking that picture.  I don't remember what made me smile that big.  Hell, I don't remember being so happy that ANYTHING would make me smile that big.  My face can't recall what smiling like that feels like.  I don't remember being in that room, standing in front of those EPIC mountains.  I don't know who the fuck that kid is.

For second, the only thing that it does remind me of is the hundreds of conversations that I have had, with people that knew me then, about how thin I was...then. (Again with the awkward sentences, I'll get that sorted out.  Let's keep going.)  

There are certain people, about 4 or 5,  where the conversation would always end with the other person letting out a long sigh as they stared at me, trying their damnedest to figure out where it all went wrong, what I would have been like growing up if I were thin, and trying to imagine what the hell I would look like right there and...then.  (Damn. Sorry.)  It was always this way whenever my mom and I talked about my weight.  That sucked.  A lot.  

(Did I mention that I have never really like that picture...)

Lets look at another picture I have never really liked.  

...this smile, I do.

This one to the left here -- I am not a big fan of either.  Unlike the first picture, I remember this one perfectly.  I remember being in that backyard.  I remember what made me smile the way that I did.  My face can recall what that smile feels like.  I know exactly who the fuck that kid is. 

That picture was taken in my Tia Teresa's backyard.  In case you couldn't tell, I am the tallest person in the picture. The other kids are five of my amazing cousins.   (Clockwise, starting with me, there is Jorge, Oscar, Saul, Juan Carlos, and Denise.  They are great people.  I count myself lucky, being able to call them family.)

In this picture, I am very self conscious and embarrassed about the way that I look -- something that would continue for most of my life.  (Though not embarrassed enough to leave on a shirt, apparently.)  I can see that I know that I look different from everyone and that it is not a good thing and I don't like it.  

Notice how I am the only one not starting at the camera.  I hated having my picture taken (still do, sometimes).  Also notice the look on my face.  Isn't that one of the most awkward, uncomfortable smiles that you have ever seen?  

That is the way you smile when you hate what you look like.  That is the way you smile when you don't have any self confidence.  That is the way you smile when you feel like everyone is watching, and you are just not good enough, and you really don't want to be in that place, or any place, because you are just the fat kid that everyone is judging.  

That is the way you smile when you know you have to smile and you don't want to.

The Night Before Today

I am writing this on Sunday Night.  Tomorrow afternoon,  I will be going to the gym for my second weigh in.  Last week I lost 4.6 lbs.  This week, I hope to have lost at least 2 lbs.  That is an achievable goal.  I did the things I need to do to make it happen.  If it does not happen though, that will be ok.

I need to remember that part of the way this works, at least for me, from the photographic evidence that I have provided, is that how I feel about myself on the inside is directly proportional to the way I look on the outside.  If I am to excel in this endeavor, I need to continue to improve not just my body, but my mind.  I can not let what the scale says tomorrow derail all of the work that I have done, or will do.

Tomorrow I weigh in the body -- only the body.  There is no scale for the mind.  

I'll let you know how it goes.

UPDATE:

I lost 10.2 lbs this week.  That brings the total to 14.8 lbs.

55.2 lbs left to go.

Game On. 

The Body and The Brain

The Body

Soreness doesn't photograph well.

My body, from the waist down, is extremely sore.  Before Wednesday, I had never done work outs for my legs, so they are experiencing a level of pain and discomfort that I have never felt before.  I am not injured or hurt -- I can tell the difference between the two.  However, the lack of excercise to those muscles meant that I had never felt this.  It knocked me on my ass yesterday.

I recovered well enough.  Today, I still felt sore.  Though, not nearly as much as yesterday, so I went back to the gym, after taking the day off yesterday.  My body needed the break.  As far as the work outs go, and the diet plan, I am still on track.

I can understand the changes in my body.  I know why it hurts, wherever it may hurt, whenever it may hurt.  I know why it feels really good when things don't hurt.  I know why they feel better than they did before.  It is that understanding that helps me get through the pain.

Its a different story with my brian, though.

The Brain
Something is going on with my brain.  It too is changing.

The emotions and feelings that come with bettering your physical condition are something that I am not sure I was prepared for, nor something that I fully understand.  I feel happier, more confident, less anxious.  It stands to reason that physical health improvements could lead to better mental health, of course -- I understand that.  But to experience it is a whole new thing.

The feeling of self confidence that you can gain when you move your body thru the world in a new way I can only compare to the feeling I had when I learned to ride a two wheel bike.  Knowing that I was now able to move thru the world in a way I had never been able to before was an amazing feeling.  When you only know how to walk or run, riding a bike, without your sister holding the seat and running behind you feels like flying.

I feel like I am flying again.

I'll give you an example:

I stand differently than I did before, because I feel stronger.  I am carrying less weight, on a stronger frame.  Because of that, when I stand, waiting for a bus, or on a trian, I feel like I am standing more comfortably, more relaxed.  Because I feel comfortable and relaxed, I stand a bit straighter, a bit taller.  Standing tall, maybe a metaphor, but when you are ACTUALLY standing tall, you feel tall.  You feel strong.  You feel confident.  You feel powerful.  That feels great.

All of those feelings just from standing!  There are so many new experiences and feelings that I have now, that I couldn't possibly explain them all on here.  

I wasn't expecting this from my brain but man am I enjoying it.

Seeya, Monday for Weigh In #2!

Real Men Use Weights

I signed up for a gym membership.

That free trial that they were offering at the XSports I was going to had ended and I needed to make a decision.  I told the guy about the offer at the Park District and all of a sudden all sorts of fees got waved, and for $35.00 a month and NO sign up fees, I now have a gym.  (In the long run it may be more expensive but the equipment and hours of operation are just too good to pass up at XSports -- especially if you go and get your money's worth.)

The membership includes a free hour with a personal trainer that you HAVE to use.  I didn't want to but part of the deal meant I HAD to do it.  I was apprehensive because I hate having someone, that is not a friend I know and trust, watch me work out.  I know everyone can see me work out, but to have someone focus on me, watch ME, that just fucking sucks.  Also, from past experiences, I know these guys are trying to sell themselves, their services, make a sales pitch AND they made me do this once before, when I signed up for the free trial and I didn't want to have to do it again.  It is frustrating and I don't like it.

I had to do it, though, so I did.

The trainer I worked out with was named Jon.  (Well, to be honest, I was so nervous at first I didn't catch his name, and after that I felt like an idiot asking. So we are just gonna call him Jon.)  Because this was the second time I had to do this in 10 days, I knew what would happen.  Some questions, and then we would hit the floor.

There is nothing more embarrassing to me than walking the gym with a trainer.  I feel like I stick out enough, amongst the hard bodied, having one of their own lead you around the gym, in his bright ass red shirt, that just feels like hes walking around the next fatty that will be here for a week then leave.  (I asked the trainers what the percentages were regarding people attempting what I am, how many stuck it out.  According to them 10% are left after the first month, 2% actually accomplish their goals.  I mean, I know they have to sell their services and that could be a ploy, however... I dunno why, but I believe'um, Yo.)

Jon takes me through some things and I have to say that I am glad that he did.  Though at first I wasn't.

He questioned the way I was doing things -- another reason I didn't want to do this.

He criticized my diet.  Jon used to weigh 300lbs himself, so he knew what he was talking about.  (Showed me a picture at the end, great part of the pitch, and he actually was HUGE.  What a fatty! -- Go a head, laugh, you know you want to.)  I see his points but I just disagreed with him.  I like bacon and he is not a fan.  We agreed to disagree.  We ran into problems when I told him what my work out routine was.

Jon did not have a problem with what muscles I would exercise on what days, but he hated that I used machines and not free weights.

"Real men use weights."

When he said that, it was like everything that I had been working for was bullshit.  I felt shamed.  I felt like an idiot.  I started to shut down, and not pay attention.  My worst fear had just been realized.  I was standing in a room with dumb bells and this muscled up dick head was telling me what it was that "Real Men" did.  Normally this is the part where I just shut down, quit, take my ball and go home.

I am very lucky for many reason, but I feel the luckiest because of the people I have in my life.  In the past few days, I have had two conversations, with great friends, that helped change the way the rest of my work out with Jon went.


Normally wasn't gonna win this time.

I need to make myself accountable for my decisions in ALL aspects of life.  It was over a cup of coffee and a chat about something else that one of my friends helped me see that I needed to surround myself with good people and be responsible for the decisions and choices I make about my happiness.

I needed to listen to Jon, right here, right now.  He was trying to help.  He was showing me what he thought were more effective ways of using my body to achieve the goal I have set.  I paid attention.  I tried to learn as much as I could.  Once I was open to what he was saying, I saw that what Jon ended up doing was showing me what tools I could use in the gym, to make myself get healthier.  That was worth the hour.  (Looking back, I think he said the "Real Men" use weights thing because he had to, not because he wanted to.)

After the work out, I was happy to learn all of these things and understand how to do things better now, but I was also filled with doubt.  What else was I doing wrong?  Why am I even trying this, I have no idea what I am doing?  What way do I do this?  Over and over, I was asking myself this... I made my lunch, sat down to write this post, and I was filled with doubt and worry.

It was then that friend two came in and shut all that doubt down.  In an email about something else, my friend says:

"The bottom line is to do what you think is important. What your gut or soul or instincts or whatever tell you needs to be done. But DO it, don't just talk about it or talk about doing it."

So that is what I am gonna do.

Seeya, Friday.

309.0

The Battle of Little Big Chuy
As of this morning, I weigh 309.0lbs -- meaning I lost 4.6 pounds this last week.

Let that sink in, I know I did.

Now, I understand that is a lot of weight to lose in one week -- around a half a pound a day.  Consider though the following things:

• I have been eating right and working out, consistently, for the first time in my life, really.
• I know from previous experience when to stop, when I am working out.  I'm not trying to be a hero, or hurt myself.
• Its always easy to lose weight when you beginning a work out plan, especially if you are over weight to begin with.  This is probably water weight, and not much fat, that I am dropping.
• It will get harder and not every week will yield such results. 

The most important thing to me is that I feel fucking great.  Let me say that once more, on its own line, in all caps, and bold, with three exclamation points, so you know how great I feel:

I FEEL FUCKING GREAT!!!

Seriously, though, regardless of how much weight I lost this week, or will lose week to week, in the weeks to come, (say that three times fast), I feel great.

My body feels strong.  My lungs don't try to break out of my body climbing stairs.  My sleep is the sleep of people that sleep really fucking well.  I am not as tired at work.  My work outs are yielding real results that I can measure and feel in way that a scale can't show. 

All of that said:

Time to move on.  I can't get complacent. 4.6 lbs lost this week means fuck all if I don't keep it up.  The goal is to lose 70, remember, we still have 65.4 lbs to go.  

We will enjoy today for what it was, winning the battle of week one.  That is cool and all, winning battles.

I want to win the War.

Who is Whitney

Whitney is a friend from high school that is a personal trainer in Virgina these days.  She was one of the people that I started talking to about this project of mine, before it started.  It was Whitney that first suggested I keep a blog about the process.  That was a great idea and a key reason I am doing what I am doing.

Thank you so much, Whitney. Fo'reals.

If you have a friend in the Virginia area in need of a trainer, please consider Whintey's company Fit by Whit.  She can be reached via email at: wcerullo2000@yahoo.com 

 

Renaming the Blog

The name of this Blog does not feel right to me anymore.  I need to change it.  If you have an suggestions, please leave them in the comments, or send them to my email at: heyzeuscontreras@gmail.com

See ya Wednesday!

  

The Greatest BBQ Potato Chip I've Ever Had

Love, thy name is BBQ Chip

I just had the greatest BBQ Potato Chip I have ever eaten in my life.  

It was from a bag of Jimmy Chips, the kind you get at Jimmy Johns.  It was sweet, salty, a bit tangy, and crunchy.  After that chip, I ate the shit out of the rest of the bag.  MAX'd um.  I savored every one of those damn chips. 

Every. Last. One. 

I earned that bag of chips.  

I went to the gym 5 days this week.  I drank more water those five days than I have in the last 10 years.  (I could be wrong here, but I don't think I am.)  I ate good breakfasts, everyday. I ate smart and healthy, everyday.  I didn't eat 5 hours before bed.  I snacked on fruits and nuts.  I deprived myself.  (I had no brownies this week.  None.  That's right -- I am a bad ass.)  I took the stairs to the train every time.  (Yo, escalators at the Western stop of the Brown Line -- Where you at now, punks?) I did my part.

And you know what...

I feel fucking GREAT.

Its only been a week in and while I may not look different, I feel different.  

I have more energy.  See, you work out, your body gets stronger, you do the shit you always do, with a stronger body and you get less tired. Less tired = More Energy.  I work a physical job, in a hot kitchen, tossing around boxes, pans, and pots, all night long.  Usually when I get out of work, I feel sore, and tired all over.  My body is a bit stronger this week than last, and I can totally feel the difference.  Not as sore, not as tired.  Its a dream.

I sleep so well.  Apparently, your body can't  focus as well on rest when you are sleeping if it is trying to digest 3 cans of Coke, a Whopper, some fries, and a brownie.  (Yes, I have eaten that before bed before.  I know, I know... I think its fucking ridiculous now too.)  If, on the other hand, your tummy is empty and at rest, your body which -- doesn't need as much energy because you are fucking sleeping -- can just rest.  You wake up so happy, so refreshed.  Really, you do.

I am confident.  I am going to do this.  I feel too good, and put in too much work this week to piss it all away on a brownie, with ice cream, and whipped cream, and sprinkles, and a cherry, and chocolate sauce.... (NO!!! Fuck!  See how it happens.  Must focus.)  

I am confident that I will do this, I have a new relationship with food and exercise.  Food is the energy I require to live my daily life, nothing more.  Exercise is the method by which I will ensure that my body is as strong and healthy as I need it to be so that I can live my daily life, nothing more.  Let's be pragmatic, not dramatic.

Wait, that is not entirely true...

Some days, probably once a week, I will allow food to be just a little bit more.  A treat.  A little reward for taking care of myself.  Not as an incentive for this year, but for the rest of my life.  If I am going to lose weight and keep it off, its not just about this year, but every year after that as well.  So, yea, from time to time, I will indulge, especially if I put in the work to earn it.

This week, it was a bag of BBQ Jimmy Chips and man let me tell you...  

That was the greatest potato chip I ever had.

For Monday

Weigh In #1, Renaming The Blog, and Who is Whitney 

Stay tuned...

   

No News Is Good News

I wrote a post yesterday, so there really is nothing new to report here.  I just told myself that I would post M-W-F, and well... Today is Wednesday.

I went to the gym earlier.  My upper body still felt really sore from the first two days.  I'm easing back into things so I just stretched out and went on a 45 min stationary bike ride.  Love a good sweat, so that was fun.

One thing I will say, though, since we are here anyway:  Today was boring and felt tough.

I woke up sore, and it was rainy -- Gloom does not inspire one to workout.  I knew this would happen, so I didn't let it stop me, just kind of ignored the old me saying "Bah, sit down, its raining.  Fuck that."  I knew the initial excitement of the blog, and the decision to do this would wear off and that the realization that I signed up for something really fucking difficult would hit me.  I didnt think it would come this quick, though.

I don't think it has, actually.  Maybe I am just in a bad mood, maybe my body is adjusting, maybe I just want to be lazy.

Whatever the case, I still did what I had to do.  (I got the last 12 minutes in.)

So if anything, there is that.  

313.6

And we're back....

313.6

That number represents my weight.

That's right, I weigh 313.6 pounds and I have 49.3% body fat.  Go ahead, let that sink in.  I know it took me a second to process that when I was at the gym.  (More on gyms in a minute.)

Ok, ready?  Great.

So then, minus 70, that means that my goal weight is 243.6 which would leave my body fat at a healthy 19%.  Now that we know what the numbers are and have some goals set, the trick is how to get there.  

The Plan
Its a very simple three step plan:

1. Workout 3 to 5 days a week
2. Eat Right
3. Repeat

1.  Working out is critical.  Eating right is good for maintaining a healthy weight but if I am going to lose weight, I must work out -- at least three days a week, but I am going to shoot for 5.  The work outs are simple,  work out a different set of muscle groups everyday -- to build lean muscle, and then get on a cardio machine (bike, stair master, treadmill) for at least 30 minutes to burn fat.  Its easy, I just have to do it.

For this week, because I wanted to start right away, and I couldn't afford a gym membership til this weekend, I am using a free one week trial to XSport Gym in Lakeview.  You have to sit thru a sales pitch and do a tour of the gym, but if you want to start again, right away, its the only way to go (this was worth it too, because this is how I found out what my exact weight is, what my percentage of body fat is, and what my target heart rate for burning fat is - 138).  This weekend, I will probably go to the Chicago Park District Gym at Welles Park.  ($60.00 for 3 months, no contract, 2 blocks from my house, perfect.)

2.  Eating Right will probably be the hardest part of all of this.  I eat like crap.  I never eat breakfast.  I usually only eat one big meal a day, and supplement the rest of the hunger with 2 Cokes, and a brownie.  Well, I did anyway.  No more soft drinks.  Bye, bye Coke.  No more brrrr.... brrrooowww..... BROWNIES. No. More. Brownies.  (At least not for a while...)  

Over and above that, I am not going to go on some sort of crazy diet.  Its gonna be simple here too -- water, tea, natural juices, healthy meals, fruits, veggies, breakfast everyday.  You know, a sensible well balanced diet.  No more Red Barron Pizza's for dinner at 2am.  (I work nights, so this will be hard to adjust to, but Ill figure it out.) Shit that reminds me, no more Red Bull.  

Bah, it'll be worth it.  It will.

3.  Repeat.  A workout and diet plan mean fuck all if you don't stick to them, EVERY. DAY.  Everyday I need to remind myself that I have a goal to meet.  Everyday, I need to be disciplined and patient.  There is no magic bullet.  I took 29 years getting myself here, I can hardly expect to get out in 3 months.  Even a year is a lofty goal, but its doable.  If I stick to it.  

Which reminds me:

The Blog & Inter-webs 

This blog will now serve the purpose of keeping me on task.  I will blog three days a week.  M - W - F.  There will be a weekly weigh in, just to keep myself on track, and to keep myself accountable.  (Its gonna be harder to sneak a brownie if I know I have a weigh in coming at weeks end.)  There will be lists of goals, stories about how its going, and how I am feeling, and a whole set of other posts that I can't know about yet, because I have no idea how this thing is gonna go. 

I'd also like to hear from you.  In the comments or by email, or Facebook, twitter, or my phone.  If you have any advice, or words of encouragement, or exercise tips, anything you can think of that would help, lemme know. 

I am going to do the heavy lifting, but I know I am not going to do this alone. 

Independent from the Blog, I will also be using DailyBurn.com.  I have a few friends that showed me the website.  Its like Facebook for weight loss.  It helps you keep track of food intake, exercise plans, and connects you with others that are going through the same thing.  I have just started playing around with it so I am sure that I am not using it right, but I will.

Thats It

Thats the plan.  So far, I have stuck to it.  Two days in a row at the gym.  I've been eating great.  Everything seems to be on track.  I just have to keep it up.

243.6, Here I Come!!!

Game On

Oh, Hi there... Be with you in just one second...

Flay the flesh... flay the flesh... flay the flesh... Deep Breath... And Go....


Alright, where was I? Ah, Right...

So, yesterday on my facebook page, I made the following status update:

Jesus Contreras made a decision yesterday that's gonna affect the rest of his life. Putting this out there to hold myself to it. By 10-10-11, I WILL be at least 70lbs lighter. Blog with details tomorrow. Game on, Bitches. (Bitches being the lbs, I'm gonna lose.)

In this post, I'd like to give that statement some context.  Partially to explain what the hell something like that actually means, but mainly so that I can set a few things straight for myself.  If I am actually going to do what I said I was planning to do, then I need to understand why the hell I am doing this.  You know, if anything, so that I have a base to return to if I get lost along way.

(Tomorrow I will go into some detail about how I plan to lose the weight and how the blog is going to be involved.  For now though, I just want to explain how we got here.)

I'd been thinking about starting to work out again for a long, long time.  My previous attempt at weight loss was a few years back.  Membership at a Bally's, went like 5 days a week for a couple of months, got lazy, lost track, never made time for it again, wasted money.  If I would have stuck with that program, I know I could have gone far.  I lost 30 lbs. then.

So, I know how to work out, I can do it.  I HAVE done it.  Just not enough. I kept thinking about going back.  I made excuses to myself about life getting in the way, and then life actually did get in the way.  My mom got sick, that was my focus. She died, that became my focus -- the grief.

All I did was theatre and work two part time jobs.  Keeping myself busy, trying to hold it together.  To give myself some focus.  To just get by.  I was too busy trying to process what the fuck just happened to really worry about anything other than surviving.  I didn't do a very good job at times. I did an EXTREMELY HORRIBLE job at times.  But...I survived.

With the help of too many people to mention, I survived.

So, three weeks ago, I started working full time The Taco & Burrito House for my Uncle.  I knew that I could finally afford to get into a gym. (Now, that is not to say one NEEDS a gym.  But for the plan I have, I do.  Its the only way.  The Chicago Park District has Gyms.  You can get a membership for amazingly cheap.  Its not Bally's but they have equipment and thats what I care about.)

Working full time at the Burrito House, though, meant I had to quit Loose Leaf Lounge.  The money was just better, I needed to take the job.  I had to make the move.  So, there was this air of change...in the air. (I know, weird sentence, lets keep going.)

In retrospect, it was something that I should have done a while ago.  I didn't really understand how much I had associated with that place.  I had to physically move on, not be in the shop, not take that train, switch that routine up.

I found out about my Mom's cancer a block away from Loose Leaf.  Phil was the first person I KNEW that I told.  That was in the back room, in front of the fridge, tackled him with a hug so I wouldnt fall to the ground.  That was the place I knew I was telling a friend, that my mom was going to die.  I felt connected to it, like, I had to hold on, only I didn't know that. I didn't understand that until I left.

I didn't want to close that chapter.  I needed to, though.  To move on mentally, it was good to move on physically.

I got a fresh start.

A fresh start, a new routine, MONEY!!!  I saw being able to catch up on some bills, and having a set, full time schedule as liberating. (D'uh.)  I wasn't as stressed about where my loot was gonna come from. I eased up, I could breathe for a second.  Entertain new ideas, new possibilities.

Not just survive, but live.  Live, again.

Then yesterday, three things happened.

1. I went to the store to find pants in my size.  Depending on the maker, I wear between a 40 to 42.  (You read that right.)  I got two pants one in each size, tried both on and they didn't fit.  That's bullshit.  I was wearing a pair of 40's.  I have like 4 pairs of pants, they are all 40 to 42, so I know it was the make, but it shook me.  I will not buy a pair of pants that are 44.

Nope. Fuck. That.

2.  I saw a play, 1001.  Something about that show...  At its heart, to me, its a Love Story.  One that goes south.  I started to think about my relationships with women.  What parts I have played to make them go south. What parts I have played to kill them before they start.

I was already in a weird mood because of the pants, and the two issues started playing off each other in my head.  Maybe it was the way that I looked?  "Its about confidence! It doesn't matter what you look like!" you may be thinking.  Yes and No.


If you hate the way you look you don't have the self confidence to believe that it doesn't matter what you look like.

That is fair, and that is on me.  Completely and totally on me.  I control the way I look.

3.  I got to work, and said Hello to the three guys I work with.  The three guys that I work with are all originally from Mexico -- where it is still OK for people to tease overweight people.  If you are fat, you are fair game.  Here, in America, people still do it, but its considered rude, and usually only little kids get away with making a joke -- they do say the darnedest things.  These cats being from there though, I get teased and just roll with the it -- it is what is.

One of the guys likes to say hello to me, and my belly.  He high fives me, then he high fives my tummy, laughs as he walks away.  Its the way it is.  Its been like this, for me, around Mexican people my entire life really -- not my family as much anymore, mind you, but it happens.  It is what it is.

Or was anyway.  That shit stops now.

I walked into the kitchen, as usual.  And, as usual, the guy high five'd me, and then guy high five'd my stomach and now somewhere in the world there is a paralyzed camel being put down.

The second he did that,  the show, the pants, his pound to my pounds just bubbled over.

Nope. Fuck that.  I am done.

I will not deal with this anymore.  I have the power to change it.  I am going to.  The time for grieving is over.  It is time to live.  And if I am going to live, I am going to be healthy while I fucking do it.

I am done being sad.  I am done wallowing in the sorrow of losing my mother to brain cancer.  I will always miss her, and I will always hurt, but thats not gonna stop me anymore.

First thing is first, I need to get my health right.

This blog is gonna be part of how that happens.  I'll explain that next time.  For now, just remember.  

Jesus Contreras made a decision yesterday that's gonna affect the rest of his life. By 10-10-11, I WILL be at least 70lbs lighter. Game on, Bitches.