Two Smiles

This smile, I don't remember...

Like you told yourself in the beginning... Do this right... Be honest...

Welcome back.

I believe that the way that you look on the outside, in some part, for some people, is directly proportional to the way you feel about your self on the  inside. If you are not a big fan of yourself, you are not going to give much importance to maintaining your physical well being.  If you don't really care FOR yourself, its very easy not to take care OF yourself.  I understand that obesity is a disease and I understand that I do not know nearly enough about that subject to speak on it.  The only proof that I can offer in support of my theory is that I know that the way that I look on the outside is directly proportional to the way that I feel on the inside.

Two Pictures

As you can see from the picture above and to the right, at one point in my life I was fairly thin (and quite the sharp dresser).  

I have never really liked that picture.  For one, I don't remember taking that picture.  I don't remember what made me smile that big.  Hell, I don't remember being so happy that ANYTHING would make me smile that big.  My face can't recall what smiling like that feels like.  I don't remember being in that room, standing in front of those EPIC mountains.  I don't know who the fuck that kid is.

For second, the only thing that it does remind me of is the hundreds of conversations that I have had, with people that knew me then, about how thin I was...then. (Again with the awkward sentences, I'll get that sorted out.  Let's keep going.)  

There are certain people, about 4 or 5,  where the conversation would always end with the other person letting out a long sigh as they stared at me, trying their damnedest to figure out where it all went wrong, what I would have been like growing up if I were thin, and trying to imagine what the hell I would look like right there and...then.  (Damn. Sorry.)  It was always this way whenever my mom and I talked about my weight.  That sucked.  A lot.  

(Did I mention that I have never really like that picture...)

Lets look at another picture I have never really liked.  

...this smile, I do.

This one to the left here -- I am not a big fan of either.  Unlike the first picture, I remember this one perfectly.  I remember being in that backyard.  I remember what made me smile the way that I did.  My face can recall what that smile feels like.  I know exactly who the fuck that kid is. 

That picture was taken in my Tia Teresa's backyard.  In case you couldn't tell, I am the tallest person in the picture. The other kids are five of my amazing cousins.   (Clockwise, starting with me, there is Jorge, Oscar, Saul, Juan Carlos, and Denise.  They are great people.  I count myself lucky, being able to call them family.)

In this picture, I am very self conscious and embarrassed about the way that I look -- something that would continue for most of my life.  (Though not embarrassed enough to leave on a shirt, apparently.)  I can see that I know that I look different from everyone and that it is not a good thing and I don't like it.  

Notice how I am the only one not starting at the camera.  I hated having my picture taken (still do, sometimes).  Also notice the look on my face.  Isn't that one of the most awkward, uncomfortable smiles that you have ever seen?  

That is the way you smile when you hate what you look like.  That is the way you smile when you don't have any self confidence.  That is the way you smile when you feel like everyone is watching, and you are just not good enough, and you really don't want to be in that place, or any place, because you are just the fat kid that everyone is judging.  

That is the way you smile when you know you have to smile and you don't want to.

The Night Before Today

I am writing this on Sunday Night.  Tomorrow afternoon,  I will be going to the gym for my second weigh in.  Last week I lost 4.6 lbs.  This week, I hope to have lost at least 2 lbs.  That is an achievable goal.  I did the things I need to do to make it happen.  If it does not happen though, that will be ok.

I need to remember that part of the way this works, at least for me, from the photographic evidence that I have provided, is that how I feel about myself on the inside is directly proportional to the way I look on the outside.  If I am to excel in this endeavor, I need to continue to improve not just my body, but my mind.  I can not let what the scale says tomorrow derail all of the work that I have done, or will do.

Tomorrow I weigh in the body -- only the body.  There is no scale for the mind.  

I'll let you know how it goes.

UPDATE:

I lost 10.2 lbs this week.  That brings the total to 14.8 lbs.

55.2 lbs left to go.

Game On.